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Act 1[]
Episode opens at the HOUSE. Cut to RALPHIE, who is seen sitting down in his room on his computer.
RALPHIE: I told them I'd have an idea for Broadcast Day, (cough ×3), so I'll have an idea for Broadcast Day. (cough ×4, with cough 3 louder and more intense) Oh, why don't I have an idea for Broadcast Day??
DR. TENNELLI calls RALPHIE to get up. The latter types faster.
DR. TENNELLI: Ralphie! Get up, Ralphie! You're going to be late for school.
RALPHIE: Oh no...(coughs)
Enter DR. TENNELLI, through the main entrance door to RALPHIE's ROOM.
DR. TENNELLI: Ralphie, what are you doing?
RALPHIE: Our class is broadcasting two hours of live television today, and I said I'd have a show for them to do. And I don't yet (cough ×4) - But I will...(coughs)
DR. TENNELLI: (pushes RALPHIE's desk chair) No, you won't.
RALPHIE: What?
DR. TENNELLI: It's my opinion as your mother, and as a doctor, that you have a fever, which means you are sick, which means you are going back to bed.
(She puts RALPHIE in bed.)
RALPHIE: But-but, Mom!
DR. TENNELLI: No buts about it, Ralphie. I'm sure your class can do broadcast day without you.
(Cut to Wanda's horrified face in Ms. Frizzle's class.)
WANDA: (Paraphrasing Dr. Tennelli's line) We can't do it without him!
(Arnold is palming his face in worriment.)
CARLOS: And we go on in an hour!
KEESHA, DOROTHY ANN, AND TIM: Where is he?!
(The phone rings.)
MS. FRIZZLE: (zipping into view) I'll get it! (She opens her closet door and digs through her valuables. She finds her telephone and Liz sleeping on the receiver.) I was wondering where you got to. (She grabs the receiver and answers the phone.) Hello? Yes, Dr. Tennelli!
WANDA: Dr. Tennelli! That's Ralphie's mom!
(The class walks closer to the Friz.)
MS. FRIZZLE: (continuing) Uh-huh. Yes, I see, uh-huh, uh-huh, yes. He's sick? Oh, poor Ralphie.
(Liz yawns. Ms. Frizzle's medical-themed dress shows a medicine bottle pouring medicine into a spoon.)
ARNOLD: Why aren't I surprised?
MS. FRIZZLE: (continuing) Of course! He must stay in bed.
WANDA: What?!
PHEOBE: In bed?
CARLOS: What about Broadcast Day?!
MS. FRIZZLE: (continuing) Yes, Dr. Tennelli. Thank you for calling. Bye-bye.
ARNOLD: Is Ralphie staying home from school today, Ms. Frizzle?
MS. FRIZZLE: (showing a hint of concern) Yes, I'm afraid so, Arnold.
WANDA: (recites her catchphrase) What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do? (She shakes Arnold, who stares at the camera, mortified.)
MS. FRIZZLE: (valiantly) Why, we're taking school to him of course! (She opens the classroom door.) To the bus!
(Wipe-screen to the Walkerville streets with the Magic School Bus driving down the road.)
DOROTHY ANN: Are we doing Broadcast Day from Ralphie's room, Ms. Frizzle?
MS. FRIZZLE: What better place to take changes, make mistakes...
CARLOS: And, it sure is messy!
ARNOLD: Ms. Frizzle, are you sure this visit isn't a field trip?
MS. FRIZZLE: (chortles) What do you think, Arnold? (She presses a button on the bus console. The bus vibrates and spins around, turning into a camera bus as it continues toward Ralphie's house.)
ARNOLD: I think Ralphie shouldn't have stayed home today.
(At the same time, Dr. Tennelli pours some medicine in a spoon to treat Ralphie with medicine.)
RALPHIE: "How can anything that smells like grape shoe polish help my body get well? Ugh!"
DR. TENNELLI: "It will if you take one teaspoon three times a day. And don't forget to shake well before using."
RALPHIE: [shakes] "Like this?" (Salsa music plays)
DR. TENNELLI: [rolls eyes] "Even your jokes are sick." (She brings the spoonful of medicine to Ralphie.) "Open."
(Ralphie takes the medicine and pulls his tongue out in disgust)
RALPHIE: "Oh boy! I feel great! Mom, you are a miracle doctor. [Tries to get out of bed] Can I go to school now?"
DR. TENNELLI [Pushing her son back in]: "Forget it Ralphie. I've gotta go see another patient but Grandpa's downstairs if you need anything. [Kisses him] I'll check in later." (leaves)
Ralphie (Getting back to his desk): If I get an idea, I'll still have time to phone it in. That's it a phone in. [Hears Bus Arrive]
MS. FRIZZLE and KIDS (laughing): Hi, we're here.
MS. FRIZZLE: Hello, Ralphie, we're here.
RALPHIE: I must be hallucinating. (Gets back in bed): Maybe, I'm sicker than I thought. [Door opens]
CARLOS: Hi Ralphie. How are you doing?
KEESHA: Gee! You look terrible!
DOROTHY ANN: Don't worry. I'll have you camera ready in no time.
RALPHIE: Is it just me, or is my entire class standing in my room?
CARLOS: Aren't you glad to see us?
WANDA: We came to do Broadcast Day.
RALPHIE: Really? What a great idea!
MS. FRIZZLE: [Laughing] Now and then, I do have them Ralphie.
KEESHA: Speaking of great ideas, what's yours, Ralphie?
RALPHIE: Mine? Oh, you mean for Broadcast Day? (Coughs)
MS. FRIZZLE: Oh, I think you better take it easy, Ralphie. Your body's telling you to [goes into slow-motion] slow down.
RALPHIE: But Ms. Frizzle, I can't. We have a show to do. What does my body know anyway?
MS. FRIZZLE: Oh, it knows a lot about the detection and rejection of infection Ralphie. Inside you at this moment, there is action, excitement, adventure.
CARLOS: Exactly what we need for our show.
DOROTHY ANN: So, what's your idea, Ralphie?
RALPHIE: Oh well, (coughs), what's going on with my body anyway?
MS. FRIZZLE: Ah, that's an excellent question, Ralphie. (To the others): Class, everyone back to the bus.
CLASS: Huh?
PHOEBE: But Ms. Frizzle, we just got here.
MS. FRIZZLE: Single file please.
RALPHIE: WAIT! Where are you going? You can't go on a field trip now, and I can't do Broadcast Day all by myself. (Coughs): I'm sick. (Notices the shrunken bus headed back) Huh? Wait a minute. What's going on?
MS. FRIZZLE: Ah, it was your idea, Ralphie. We're here to get the inside story.
RALPHIE: Inside story? Inside what? What about Broadcast Day?
MS. FRIZZLE: Think Ralphie. Where is all the action right now?
RALPHIE: The action? Liz, what are you doing? Hang on a second. The action is all inside me. What a great idea! Broadcast Day can be all about what's going on inside me!
MS. FRIZZLE: Excellent, Ralphie! ROLL TAPE!
RALPHIE: This is FNN. Good afternoon, I'm Ralphie, and this is the Frizzle News Network. Welcome to our live on-the-scene coverage of a natural disaster of major proportions, my poor sick body. Over to you, Keesha.
KEESHA: Thanks, Ralphie. One disturbing question remains unanswered at this hour, what's making Ralphie sick. The FNN news team hopes to find out.
RALPHIE: And to do that, they will go straight to the troubled zone, my sore throat.
MS. FRIZZLE: Seatbelts everyone. Ralphie, say ah.
RALPHIE: Ah...AHH! (Bus enters his mouth) Cool, I've never seen that from the outside before,
KEESHA: The FNN news team is nearing the disaster area. In a moment, we will have live footage.
RALPHIE: See anything yet?
CLASS: Whoa!
MS. FRIZZLE: Ah, get a shot at those vocal cords class.
TIM: Look how red and swollen his throat is.
PHOEBE: No wonder it hurts.
RALPHIE: The question is why is it red and swollen and why does it hurt? (Coughs, sending his class out.)
Act 2[]
As the bus flies out, Liz catches it with a baseball glove.
RALPHIE: Hey, where'd they go? Where's the bus? (Liz answers): Huh?
WANDA (Annoyed): Ralphie, did you have to cough?
RALPHIE: Sorry, (laughs innocently) I couldn't help it.
WANDA: At this rate, we'll never get the inside story of what's making Ralphie sick. We've got to find another way in.
MS. FRIZZLE: Mm-hm. It's not as easy for us or germs to get inside the body as you might think.
RALPHIE: Yeah, skin pretty much covers it. (Scratching a bandaged scab): How are you going to get the inside story if you can't get inside. (Notices his wound) Wait a second! I've got it! (Takes his class to the injury): Look at this. Is it just me, or does this say (Removes bandage): this way in?
CARLOS: It's a shortcut. Get it, shortcut?
CLASS: Carlos, yuck!
MS. Frizzle: Excellent observation, Carlos. Seatbelts everyone. (Shrinks the bus smaller and jumping in Ralphie's cut)
RALPHIE: Wow! You saw it first on FNN. Hey you guys, the whole world wants to know. Now that you found a way in, how are you going to get to my throat?
WANDA: Ralphie's right, we're all the way down at the knee.
MS. FRIZZLE: Let's see if I can put you in the picture. As I always say, for every trip there's a roadmap.
DOROTHY ANN: That's Ralphie's bloodstream. Could we travel through his bloodstream to get to his throat?
MS. FRIZZLE: Absolutely, Dorothy Ann. We'll take the trans-Ralphie highway system and here we go. Wahoo! (They dive into Ralphie's cut)
RALPHIE: This is Ralphie for FNN News. My entire class has just dived deep into my cut and it doesn't even hurt.
TIM: What are those?
MS. FRIZZLE: Those are tiny, tiny blood vessels. They're all part of the blood stream. Eenie, menie, minie, MO! (Bus Shrinks and Enters a Blood Vessel)
(Ms. Frizzle sings “Red River Valley”)
CARLOS: Head north, Ms. Frizzle.
MS. FRIZZLE: Yeehaw!
EVERYONE: Whoa!
RALPHIE: Is that my blood? But I thought blood was red. That stuff is clear.
MS. FRIZZLE: That's right, Ralphie. The liquid part of the blood is clear.
RALPHIE: So, what are those red things? Are they what make blood look red?
MS. FRIZZLE: Scintillating surmise, Ralphie.
DOROTHY ANN: According to my research, they're called red blood cells and the white ones are white blood cells.
RALPHIE: But, what are those jagged things?
MS. FRIZZLE: Those are platelets.
KEESHA: They help the body heal scrapes and cuts.
RALPHIE: But we still don't know what's making me feel sick and boy do I feel sick.
DR. TENNELLI: Ralphie, I'm home.
RALPHIE: (Covers cameras) There. Quick, hide, Liz.
DR. TENNELLI: Hello sweetheart. Feeling any better?
RALPHIE: Yeah, fine great.
DR. TENNELLI: It looks as if you've been busy.
RALPHIE: Just a game I was playing. So, Mom, I think I'll get some sleep now.
DR. TENNELLI: Hey, what's that you're watching?
RALPHIE: What this? It's nothing, just some movie. You wouldn't like it.
DR. TENNELLI: Oh, I don't know about that. It's remarkably realistic! Look, red blood cells and those look exactly like white blood cells.
RALPHIE: Nah! Are you kidding? Those are just cheap special effects. Look, you can even see the wires.
MS. FRIZZLE: We're here.
PHOEBE: We are?
CARLOS: We're in Ralphie's throat?
DOROTHY ANN: There are a lot more white blood cells here.
WANDA: Where are they going?
TIM: Looks like they're after something.
RALPHIE: Follow the white blood cells.
DR. TENNELLI: Sorry, Ralphie, what did you say?
RALPHIE: Me? Did I say something?
DR. TENNELLI: Look, that truck thing is following the white blood cells through the blood vessel wall to the place where the infection is.
RALPHIE: Yes! They're getting the inside story! (Laughs innocently and fake coughs. Meanwhile, the bus follows a white blood cell into the throat tissue.)
MS. FRIZZLE: Ah, now that we're inside Ralphie's throat tissue, time for some on-the-spot reporting, up close and personal. Keesha, Carlos, camera 1.
ARNOLD: The trick here is not to make eye contact. (Whistles with eyes closed.)
MS. FRIZZLE: Phoebe and Arnold, you take camera 2.
ARNOLD: I'm the one who should have stayed home today.
RALPHIE: Way to go guys. Take chances, get messy, get out there and get the story. Just don't mention my name okay.
DR. TENNELLI: Ralphie, are you talking to yourself?
RALPHIE: Not exactly, Mom.
WANDA: And now, over to Keesha and Carlos live from the throat.
DR. TENNELLI: Ralphie, that little girl looks just like your friend Wanda.
RALPHIE: Who, her? No, no, no, Wanda's much shorter.
CARLOS: Carlos here. We're out here in the throat tissues trying to find out what's going on in... Hey, what's that? Look at that, folks, whoa! (Throat cell bursts) Have we got us some action here. Those yellow-green balls are destroying that wall!
RALPHIE: What are those green things?
DR. TENNELLI: Those are bacterial cells. They're actually not unlike the bacteria that are making you sick.
RALPHIE: That's bacteria and it's making me sick?
WANDA: This just in, folks. That's bacteria and it's making Ralphie sick.
DOROTHY ANN: And according to my research, bacteria are germs. Once inside our bodies, they can make us sick. Ralphie has a bacterial infection!
RALPHIE: This is it! The inside story, bacteria invade throat.
DR. TENNELLI: Is it just me, or did they say "Ralphie"?
RALPHIE: No, no it says here the show's about a guy named Alphie. Ixnay on my ame-nay.
CARLOS: The bacteria from Ralphie's throat infection are everywhere and they're destroying his throat cells! Look, here come some white blood cells. Whoa, wow! It's throwing stuff at the bacteria. (One eats a bacterial strand): That, that was incredible! That white blood cell just ate those bacteria.
RALPHIE: That huge battle is going on inside me? (Coughs): I mean inside Alphie. (Coughs more)
CARLOS: This battle is raging! Who's going to win?
RALPHIE: No wonder I'm sick.
ARNOLD: Arnold here, on location with the infection. I'm going to try to get an exclusive interview with these 2 bacteria. (Bacteria multiplies) I mean 4 bacteria. (Multiplies further) I mean 8 bacteria? Hey guys, they're multiplying! HELP!
CARLOS: Bad news guys. The bacteria from the infection are multiplying faster than the white blood cells can gobble them up!
KEESHA: We're losing!
EVERYONE: Let's get out of here!
RALPHIE: How could my body lose?
DR. TENNELLI: Ralphie, are you alright? I don't think you should be watching this. (Turns tv off)
RALPHIE: NO! I mean (laughs innocently) please don't turn it off, Mom. I want to see how it ends.
DR. TENNELLI: I'll tape it for us downstairs.
RALPHIE: But you don't understand.
DR. TENNELLI: What I understand is that your body needs to save its strength so it can use its energy to battle those bacteria. You have to rest, sweetheart. It's not just me, Ralphie. Any good doctor knows the best cure is complete rest. (Leaves with Liz turning the tv back on)
DOROTHY ANN: Over to me, Dorothy Ann. Right now, the white blood cells are losing!
MS. FRIZZLE: Certainly looks that way, Dorothy Ann.
DOROTHY ANN: They need help! They need backup support. Ralphie, did you hear me? Where's our backup support?
RALPHIE: Backup support? Where do I get that?
MS. FRIZZLE: Not to worry, Ralphie. It's already on its way. Queue the medicine. (Meds enter the throat tissue)
RALPHIE: Is that the medicine Mom gave me earlier?
MS. FRIZZLE: It sure is Ralphie.
KEESHA: Look what it's doing. (Medicine kills some bacteria) It's destroying more bacteria. The medicine is giving the white blood cells another chance.
CARLOS: And they're throwing out even more of those stick things!
MS. FRIZZLE: Oh, the stick things are antibodies. The white blood cells use them to mark the bacteria.
ARNOLD: I hope this doesn't mean what I think it means. Oh no! Ralphie's antibodies have marked the bus as bacteria.
PHOEBE: But we're not bacteria, we're Ralphie's friends.
MS. FRIZZLE: But his white blood cells are doing such a good job. They now recognize us as enemies too.
ARNOLD: Enemies? But we know what white blood cells DO to enemies!
MS. FRIZZLE: That's right Arnold. They'll try to destroy us.
EVERYONE: Destroy us?
MS. FRIZZLE: Ah, the wonder of the human body.
ARNOLD: Ralphie, do something!
KEESHA: Ralphie, you've gotta help us! (Class screams)
Act 3[]
CLASS: Ralphie, HELP! RALPHIE!
MS. FRIZZLE: Ah, don't worry, class. In order to destroy us, Ralphie's white blood cells will have to catch us first. (Frees the bus)
KEESHA: But we've gotta get out of Ralphie's throat.
MS. FRIZZLE: Good thinking, Keesha. When the spot is tight, hang a right.
RALPHIE: (woken up by a gong): Gasps, Broadcast Day, the story! Where is everybody?
MS. FRIZZLE: Ms. Frizzle here with an update on the Ralphie story. To escape the white blood cells, we've left Ralphie's throat and are now headed up his nasopharyngeal passages.
KEESHA: The what?
DOROTHY ANN: According to my research, that means his nose.
WANDA: We're up Ralphie's nose?
EVERYONE: Eww!
RALPHIE: That's the inside of my nose? Weird. (Liz Sneezes): Bless you.
MS. FRIZZLE: Of course, there's no telling how long we'll have to stay in here or how long we can stay here.
RALPHIE: Liz, I'm trying to think here. I get it, I've gotta sneeze them out, but I don't feel like sneezing. (Liz peppers his nostrils): Achoo!
MS. FRIZZLE: Second floor, boy's socks. (Bus grows): Going up.
WANDA: Alright!
CARLOS: Way to go, Ralphie!
KEESHA: Yeah! This is Keesha still reporting to you live for FNN. We are now back in Ralphie's room. So Ralphie, what do you have to say about today's amazing adventure?
RALPHIE: Well, I'm sorry that my body made such a mess of it.
CARLOS: Wait a minute! Do you really think your body's been working against you?
RALPHIE: Sure, and against you too. You almost didn't get in. Remember?
WANDA: Only because your body's built to keep out things like a bunch of germs or a bus full of kids.
RALPHIE: And my throat is so sore I can barely talk.
PHOEBE: Only because your body's sending extra blood there to help fight the infection.
RALPHIE: Okay, but what about when you almost got gobbled up by my white blood cells?
ARNOLD: Only because your body thought we were bacteria.
WANDA: Your body was only trying to protect you.
RALPHIE: I guess you're right. My body was just trying to get rid of germs, like you. (Everyone laughs)
MS. FRIZZLE: Come along class.
RALPHIE: Good old body. (Yawns): So that's the inside story isn't it, Ms. Frizzle.
MS. FRIZZLE: That's the inside story, Ralphie. Pretty amazing, don't you think? Well, we may have won the battle, class, but he's still fighting the war. (Leaves the house)
WANDA: Hey guys, how's this for a concept? Inside Ralphie the series, week 1, he gets a Charlie Horse. Week 2, Tennis Elbow. Week 3, the final episode, Athlete's Foot. (Everyone laughs)
Producer Says[]
Producer: Sorry, Liz, but I can't hear a thing. (Phone Rings): Gasps, Liz your heart sounds like a telephone. (Picks up phone): Hello.
Girl 1: Hello, is this the Magic School Bus? 
Producer: Yes, and you're talking to the producer. Can I help you?
Girl 1: Yeah, what were those kids doing visiting Ralphie when he was so sick and tired?
Producer: Oh, don't worry. He wasn't infectious. But thanks for calling, bye. (Phone rings): Hello, Magic School Bus.
Boy: You know, Ralphie shouldn't go around picking scabs. If the Magic School Bus got in, so could germs. 
Producer: A good point. Bandages like skin are there to keep germs out of your body. 
Boy: Bacteria aren't the only things that can make you sick. There are viruses, parasites, fungi and...
Producer: Right, and some sickness isn't caused by infection but by the body's own systems not working right. Thanks for calling bye. (Phone rings): Hello, Magic School Bus.
Girl 2: Well, I think someone should say that medicine can be dangerous, and kids should never take medicines without an adult in charge. 
Producer: You just did, thank you. 
Girl 2: Umm, did Ralphie ever get better? 
Producer: He sure did. His body did a great job getting rid of all those germs, and he got just as healthy as he was before.
Girl 2: And they should also say your body's always trying to be healthy. 
Producer: You're absolutely right. And there's a lot you can do to help it out.
Girl 2: I know, like eating properly, getting enough sleep and exercising.
Producer: Getting all your shots is another way to keep healthy. Shots help your body be prepared for some of the really tough germs.
Girl 2: I don't like getting shots. They sometimes hurt.
Producer: Me either, but I also don't like getting sick, and I'd rather have a shot now than get sick later.
Girl 2: Me too, I guess. Hey, does Ms. Frizzle ever get sick?
Producer: No way! She takes good care of herself, gets all her shots and she's magic.